Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Ramblings: "Biggest Loser" Rejects, or just BIG Losers

I've been planning to unleash these fabulous pictures for open mockery for several months now, but I just haven't gotten around to it. Everytime I think about how horrendous our old, now expired, license photos were, I'm still shocked the DMV didn't refuse to issue our drivers licenses on the grounds of "Extreme Atrociousness." Stop laughing. I mean it. Right now. At least stifle your laughter a little because I can hear you all the way through the computer and you're going to wake up my kids. Man, we were QUITE a couple. A very bloated couple, that is.

At least I have an excuse---sort of. I believe when this first license photo was taken I had just had Alex, which accounts for at least some of my swollen-head featured in the picture. The hairdo---all I can say is that I immediately sent a mailbomb to my old hairdresser. Why would I purposely accentuate a volleyball-shaped face with a wedged haircut that was obviously way too form-fitting to the aforementioned volleyball head? Huh? Can anyone answer that for me? And how come it seems like every time I look back at pictures during/after pregnancies, I always have super unattractive, pixie-short haircuts atop my swollen, water-retentioned, flabby shar pei-looking head? I'm sure I thought it was a good idea when I was pregnant, hormonal, and sweating to death trying to blow dry long hair. Note to self: Short hair + 6 months before/after/during Pregnancy= a very BAD idea.

Jeremy's first shot was taken during the time period we jokingly refer to as his "bigger" days (but you have to puff your cheeks out with air when you say it). Nobody we know now, that didn't know him then, can believe he was ever "big." So to prove it we always whip out this drivers license, and then they're pretty much just left in stunned silence.

This was also back in the days when people used to ask him if he played college football. He would usually totally LIE and say 'yes,' even though he was pretty much just too embarrassed not to have a good reason to which to attribute his "bigness," other than late night snacking and Reece's peanut butter cups. Probably half of the Harvard Law School class of 2003 thinks he was some sort of behemoth, bone-crushing, wall-of-a-defensive lineman or something during his college glory days. (Look at me knowing a football position!)

Our lives with this bad license were also complicated by the fact that the chick typing in his info put in the wrong year for his birthday, making him a senior citizen. Note that it says 1924. We used to get TONS of AARP stuff in the mail. And anytime we had to fly, we practically had to have clearance from the President because of the age discrepancy. We were the people you HATE to be standing behind in the security line. Apparently, they had a hard time believing he couldn't look that awesome at 80 years old?

Anyway, Jeremy was nice enough (detect the sarcasm, please) to wait until I was pregnant with Maddie to lose his extra 80 pounds. Which of course meant that I was gaining, and he was losing. Men--take note. DO NOT DO THAT TO YOUR WIVES. It's mean and evil and you should be punished. I had to hear about how every week he needed a smaller belt, how his clothes were hanging off of him, etc. All the while, I'm trying to squeeze my fatness into pants WITH ELASTIC WAISTBANDS. Talk about depressing.

(Trust me--I don't just get pregnant in the belly area. I turn into a slightly front-heavy version of the stay-puff marshmallow man--I mean, my ELBOWS even get huge. (Man, I'm glad I never wore any sailor-themed maternity clothes or the likeness would be uncanny!)

Luckily, last year we were able to get them retaken and get another photo op to try and redeem ourselves. I have to say, they turned out about 1000 times better, even though I look like I'm wearing clown makeup because of their digital camera settings (I hope) and Jeremy looks like he's wearing eyeliner. And I'm almost 75% sure that he wasn't wearing any that day. Well, at least not that much. What a difference a few years, and oh, about 120 pounds, can make.

If you have a drivers license photo that beats our horrendous ones, I wanna see it. And if I get some good ones, I may just have to mail out a prize or two.


aubrey said...

Your picture is awesome! I had a really good one right after we moved here, best I've ever had in fact. Then we realized that they had formatted it wrong, so my name was all out of order and I had to have it redone. Now it sucks just as bad as they usually do...

brent and kashann said...

That really is pretty amazing. You guys really are doing everything backward compared to how the rest of us continue to put on a few every year. What a transformation. I don't know how you both stay so skinny. Especially with Jeremy's cooking up a storm. And I love the dark hair, Laura. I think you are back to blond right?

Randi said...

What is up with y'all not smiling? I try my hardest to smile so I don't look like a dork. Up until I got married I had my picture from when I was 18...sad thing is, I wish I still had that picture versus what I have now. :)

Marnie said...

Ohhh...you are so brave! I don't think I would ever be brave enough to post dr. license photos. I agree with Aubrey, great photo Laura.

The Snow Family said...

I am laughing so hard... i think you've always looked amazing Laura- pre-baby or post-baby. But Jeremy... oh yes, I remember the good old UP days and the Harvard days... i barely recognize his new photo!! It's like a 'mini version'. I miss the big teddy bear version of Jeremy eating jalepenos from a jar. :)

The Lowe Family said...

ugh...ur gonna make me go digging in my VIP storage box for my pics because MINE are amazing. actually austin's passport is gonna take the gold.

btw...ur first haircut gave u penis head. maybe that's why we didn't get along back then. i'm so glad ur prettier now and i can like you.

Amy said...

No, no, no. You did it all wrong. I got a new picture taken a few days after I got married (so I could have my new name on it) while I looked good. I just renew online every time I've had to renew and they keep that nice, young, skinny picture on it. That's the way.