Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Ramblings: Beg Your Pardon

I beg your pardon. I've disappeared for quite some time. I'd like to say I was off doing something  incredible--climbing a mountain, getting my pilot's license, participating in Amazing Race, or even getting a pedicure.  Sadly, none of those are true (much to my little piggies displeasure). I've gotten swamped with Valentines Day, tons of snow, sicknesses, parties, forgetting to call people on their birthdays (HAPPY BIRTHDAY DAD AND KASHANN!), basketball games, pinewood derby cars, plumbers that stand me up, finally upgrading the minivan with the nub of a rear windshield wiper, making cakes for auctions, speaking in church (gag), eating my 2 boxes of recently delivered Thin Mints, and many other assorted activities that leave me ZERO time to sit and chat with you.

Not that I even have time now--I've supposed to be getting ready to take the boys to storytime at the library for our weekly playgroup. Just to shrink away in (loud) humiliation after about 20 minutes because Avery won't stop climbing the bookshelves or dismantling the rolling book carts. That kid has been my biggest challenge of the four. Constant motion, constant whining, constant trouble. It's a good thing he says something really funny every now and then.

I had a great picture to share with you for my return since inexplicably dropping off the face of the earth. But here's the catch--it's on my iphone. And everyone and anyone that's every tried to call or text me when I'm not actually riding in my car knows that my iphone has a permanent spot in my car. I hate to break it to everyone, but I don't bring it in the house with me, hauling it to and fro like Gollum securing his precious ring. (Man, looking at that creepy little guy makes me feel better about myself.)  I'm not usually that important--no such life-threatening, pressing matters that I need to be reached when I'm trying to pee. Plus, then the boys would find it and I would never see it again. At least until the plumber-that-never-shows-up finally showed up and snaked it out of the toilet.   So back to the problem--the funny picture is going to stay in the car until I get home from the library. And then I'll bring it in with me and let you share in the funny.

And on a totally unrelated note:

It still freaks me out when someone calls me "ma'am." I've been called far worse over my lifetime, but when the teenager bagging my groceries calls me that, I still do an inner flinch. It's not that I care about getting old--I don't. It's not that I think I look too young to be a ma'am--I don't. I have one giant gray hair in the front of my head, if you remember. And here in the South alot of kids are trained to use "ma'am" and "sir" to adults--which I love. I don't require it from mine (like I need another battle to fight), but it sure is FABULOUS when they are in total deep-doodoo and they throw a "yes ma'am" or "no ma'am" at you. It makes you feel like they're really paying attention to their wrongdoings, when in reality they probably just read your blog and know that's the fastest way out of hot water.

Tata til later.

I'm back now. And as expected, Aidan was totally and completely engrossed in storytime. Avery spent the whole time whining about leaving and trying to dig through my purse for who knows what.  But we survived and now I'm giddy because it's almost their naptime.
And here's picture I promised.
I love it. In big, bold silver letters--TURD.

I have a few questions about it though. 1) Is he self-identifying or name-calling the person reading it? 2) Where do you buy such a car decal? 3) Did it perhaps say something different and some letters popped off? STURDY? Maybe a misspelled 'Turdle'?

Jessica, this car decal is dedicated to you and your inability/unwillingness to spell "turd" correctly. As soon as I find out where to pick up a turd sign for your car, you will be receiving one to apply wherever you choose.

Friday, February 5, 2010

Ramblings: Funny things I heard

Two conversations I heard from my chauffer's position in the front seat on Wednesday:

1. On the way home from playgroup, pre-naptime. The boys had been up since 5 AM and had officially become irrationally cranky and intolerable.

Aidan (at the top of his lungs): I HAVE A WEDGIE. MOM, pull over! (crying now and screaming) I. HAVE. A. WEEEDDDDGGGGGGIIIIEEEEEEEEE. AUGHHHH! I can't get it out!!! (Two seconds later in a much quieter voice...) Oh. I got it out.

Avery: How you get it out?

Aidan: (screaming again, but with major contempt) I AM NOT going to tell you how I got my wedgie out. Never!!

Avery: (now screaming) MOM!!! Aidan won't tell me how he got his wedgie out!!

Me: (mumbling to self) This is what it's come to...fighting about wedgie removal.

2. On the way home from scouts that night. I was chauffeuring Alex and his friend home.

Alex: Nice to ride home with you Max, I'll see you at school tomorrow.

Me: (laughing) Alex, we still have 10 minutes. Why are you saying your goodbyes already?

Alex: Oh. I don't know. (turns to Max) What do you want to talk about?

Max:  (weirded out by such a random, yet direct question) Uh, I don't know.

Alex: Hmm. (3 second pause) How about explosions?

Max: Ooh. Ok. Yeah. Explosions.

They then enter into a 10 minute conversation revolving around fantasy explosions, death, and mass destruction.

I've said it once, and I'll say it again:


You could've read about this on Thursday if I hadn't discovered my keyboard sitting in a puddle of water that morning. The good news is that the water was contained to the keyboard area. The computer was LUCKILY (for the well-being of the children) not dripping. I bet you're surprised the keyboard was the only victim, so was I. But the bad news -- only the right half of it still worked. There's not a large selection of words that only use the letters on the right side of the keyboard--believe me, I tried. Milk, pimp, mom, kill...and I stopped there because it was leading me down a scary path.

But we're back in business with a new one that arrived today. And still, no one's claimed the spill--this is gross, but I even sniffed the mysterious liquid drenching the keyboard to see if it was pee. DO YOU REALLY BLAME ME? IS THAT SO FAR OUT OF THE REALM OF POSSIBILTIES AROUND HERE?

Nighty night. I'm gonna go talk about explosions. Or wedgies. I haven't decided yet.