Tuesday, July 1, 2008

Rant: H O T

Texas is hot. No, really. I mean, think H O T. Now think of HOT all beefed up on illegal steroids--with the 'roid rage and all. And that's almost as hot as it feels out there. And the humidity--walking outside is like crossing into the rainforest exhibit at the zoo--where they keep it so damp you can practically see the drops of water suspended in the air. I guess to keep all the scaly animals nice and slimy. I do not have scales and I do not need to experience a constant state of claminess.

My friend in Washington DC was whining about how hot their recent "heat wave" was a few weeks ago (heehee--love ya R.R.). It's safe to say there was not much sympathy coming from my direction. No sympathy from me unless the following are true for you, too:

--opening the backdoor is similar to when you open the oven when it's been on broil and you lean in too fast, and the hot air melts your face and glues the mascara on your eyelashes together so they're left in a gooey blob stuck to your eyelid.
--after you blow dry your hair, you're just as wet as when you got out of the shower.
--eating Popsicles outside is the equivalent of licking as much of the colored syrup from your hands as possible .
--even though little kids are usually oblivious to the heat, your two year olds beg to come back inside after three minutes, complaining that they're suffering symptoms of/and at risk of dying from heat stroke. In those exact words. With lots of weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth.
--you've considered standing in front of an open freezer bare naked. Even if the blinds are open. And your mowing guys are out back.
--you have imprints of the seams from your leather car seat seared on the back of your thighs.
--your pit stains seep down and meet up with the sweat rings from your bra and waistband to form a nice tie-dye outfit.
--after a barefoot walk to get the mail, you can cross off "walk on the surface of the sun" from your to do list.
--the exertion involved in loading your groceries into your car causes extreme hallucinations and afterwards you're convinced you've seen the entire cast of The Wiggles laughing and pointing at you from a puddle of your own sweat.
--scaling your neighbor's fence to enjoy their pool after you see them leave for work seems like a totally legitimate and moral thing to do because hey, all that cold water is just going to evaporate all day long anyway.
--you force your husband to send his resume to any law firms hiring in or around the North Pole.

So without a pool to enjoy, we're just lying around trying to conserve energy and keep our body temperatures low enough that our blood doesn't turn to liquid magma. I keep telling myself I don't hate living in Texas, because other than the three hottest months of summer, the kids can pretty much play outside the rest of the year. But there are only so many times I can tell myself that on any given HOT day, and then I flick my own ear and tell myself "shut it, you're not convincing anyone."



Andrea said...

I feel your pain, sistah...

Travis and Jamie Shepherd said...

OH you are making me glad that Travis refuses to move to Texas. And although the summers here in CO aren't really hot, they are going to be too short. And I'm sure by the time November rolls around you will look back and think that it wasn't so bad.

Jill said...

How about you live in a place that is labeled "Hotlanta". I think that is all I need to say. That is why I spend my summers in Utah because I do believe that dry heat is much much better. Good luck this summer!