Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Ramblings: Because I wasn't sweating enough before...

On Wednesdays, my sister in law Deanna, is a glorious person and takes Maddie with her girls to the library story time and then home to play. Since I have all the kids home this summer, the past few Wednesdays are the days I run errands that involve getting out of the car, because taking three is marginally easier than dragging around all four.

So this morning after I dropped Maddie off, I hauled the crew into Old Navy in the hopes of finding some new shorts to add to my three pair rotation. Things were going well--Avery seemed mellow and was just lying back in the stroller while Aidan played catch with Alex with one of those really ugly Old Navy soccer balls. I managed to find and even try on some shorts because the boys were being so cooperative. They were still fairly content so I managed to pick through some of the 40 clearance racks to find some fun and cheap summer clothes for the boys for next year. Then, I decided to leave on a happy note so we checked out and loaded up to head over to the grocery store.

I had promised the boys they could pick out a new box of fruit snacks and drive the car attached to the front of the shopping cart, so they were gung ho about the whole grocery shopping idea. i should have realized then that my luck was about to turn. The morning had been entirely too easy. I was about 1/2 way through with the shopping I needed to do and the few things I had offered to pick up for Deanna, when we finally reached the cereal and fruit snack aisle.

The boys decided on shark fruit snacks, and about 35 seconds after I had opened and handed them each a bag I heard ear piercing shrieking and screaming--but nothing out of the ordinary. Without thinking about it, I'm all "Don't take your brother's fruit snacks. Eat your own." But then I heard Aidan screaming "Awee---frew up. Auggghhhhhhhhh. Frew uppppp!" And since they were sitting all smooshed together in that little plastic car, I can see why he was so frantic. Avery was COVERED in vomit. And then the morning made sense. Avery hadn't wanted to eat anything for breakfast. All he had so far was 2 sippee cups full of "chocamilk"--imagine how lovely the barf was. And he was way too mellow shopping at Old Navy---he typically hates clothing stores and screams to get out of the stroller the whole time. I should've known something was up.

So I'm standing there trying to assess the situation and what I should do first while the barf is seeping through the slits in the bottom of the car, puddling up all over the cereal aisle. I send Alex, who is FREAKING about the smell, off to "find anyone at the front of the store who works here and tell them what happened and that we need someone to come clean up." I gingerly pick Avery up out of the car and start stripping him down. (I have to peel the fruit snack bag filled with barf out of his fingers, because he doesn't want to part with this treasure, even if it is covered in his own nastiness.) I dump the celery out of its plastic bag and throw his clothes in it and tie it to try to contain the smell. I wipe down Avery as fast as I can and throw him in the front of the cart because Aidan is still strapped in the barf mobile and screaming loudly about it. I rescue him and throw him in the front next to Avery where he begins retelling the whole event in 2 year old gibberish--but he seemed mostly upset that Avery had just barfed all over the new shoes he had gotten two days before.

(This is a whole other story in itself--Aidan is all about shoes and became a psychopath when Avery got new sandals due to the fact that whatever kind of material his old sandals were made out of, made his feet STINK so bad that I couldn't stand being within two feet of him. When nursery time came on Sunday and I was embarrassed to send him with his stinky feet, I made a decision that on Monday he would be getting new sandals. At the shoe store on Monday, Aidan had a complete meltdown because he wanted new shoes too, he threw off his shoes and refused to put them back on, and then threw himself in a ball on the floor and wouldn't get up due to his complete devastation at the thought of having to wear his 2 month old sandals....because apparently now they were hideous and second rate. He moaned and groaned for hours afterwards about not getting new shoes.)

So now you see why Aidan was concerned that Avery had ruined his brand new "cool shoes." I was just trying to keep myself from barfing on top of everyone and wondering where Alex and the cleanup crew was. Do you know how hard it is to clean up barf from all those cracks and crevices in the bottom of those dumb cars? Plus, I was running out of wipes fast. The worst part was that about six people came down the aisle shopping for cereal and I could see the horror spread across their faces as they saw the mess and smelled the disgusting chocamilk vomit. Whenever they passed by, I just apologized and said, "I'm so sorry. My two year old just got sick." Most were nice. One lady even stopped to chat because she was also pushing a car cart with a set of twin boys in the front--which was funny and also weird because I'm telling you, I was in no mood to chat due to extreme mortification and the smell was only getting worse.

Finally Alex came back and said, "Yeah, I found someone and told them we needed help in the cereal aisle." What!? Do they think we need help with cereal or did you tell them your brother puked in the cereal aisle? But just then I heard the announcement over the loudspeaker for "cleanup on aisle six." I will never think of aisle six the same for the rest of my life.

Anyway, I didn't feel good about just abandoning a full cart of food somewhere in the store in order to flee the scene, and because I actually needed the groceries and some were for Deanna, and because I've decided that I am an evil mother, I made Avery ride through the last few aisles and the checkout in his diaper and cool puke shoes. We got the last of our groceries along with lots of judgmental looks as to why I would have one kid fully dressed riding next to another kid practically naked. I felt like shocking them and saying, "Yeah, I just like that one better." But it's not like they couldn't figure out what had happened because Aidan was chattering away in Rain Man fashion (like Avery that time at Hobby Lobby) about throw up, Avery being sick, Avery's shoes, and the mess --over and over again.

By the time I got everyone reloaded in the car and the groceries in the back, I realized I had been stress-sweating for about the last 25 minutes. So I treated myself to a Sonic trip and Route 44 Diet Coke even though it WASN'T happy hour yet. I earned it. And when Avery wakes up, he will get a new red Popsicle to eat because he earned it. And because the poor little shaky naked guy couldn't understand why I wouldn't give him a new bag of shark fruit snacks to eat in the store after he barfed.

Oh, and FYI. Anyone that lives close to me and is shopping at Kroger, I'd avoid any of the blue shopping cart/car combos for awhile.


D said...

Oh my goodness! I hope you didn't continue on just for my stuff.

I hope you all recover soon!

Sandito said...

I know that most who read this latest posting will think that the majority of it is fiction. Believe me when I say, it is not! I have been a party to events like this while with Laura and her crew. Honey, I am sorry but I laughed until the tears were rolling and the mascara was burning my eyes. The fact that you continue to get up each morning and face what each new day brings is proof of the love you have for your kiddos. BRAVO!!

Kris said...

Lydianne makes me read these outloud while she feeds the baby because I sit here laughing so loud. Not only are your stories so good, but you tell them so funny. You're a saint. Keep them coming.

Travis and Jamie Shepherd said...

I could so tell where this story was going when you mentioned how calm he was. That is always the first sign. I avoid going places when the boys act that way. Or else I get the same thing, in the grocery store, twice at church DURING the sacrament (bread for some reason just brings it up) and a peoples houses. Yes I said people(s).

The Lowes said...

You are so white trash, I love it. I love that naked Avery, I wish I would have been a fly and watching this whole thing transpire (sp?) because I would have been DYING laughing. This is totally something that would happen to me, thank GOSH it didn't.

Amy said...

I'm laughing and crying for you all at once.