Friday, November 13, 2009

Ramblings: To the Tune of Old MacDonald

My older kids reminded me that I was remiss in writing about something rather momentous in our house. And for once it doesn't have anything to do with poop. Well, mostly non-poop related.

For YEARS now I've been harassed and harassed and harassed. About many things really, but about one thing in particular. And I've endured being called names like, "Meanie" and "party-pooper." They've flip-flopped between attempting to bribe me and threatening my bodily safety. And for years, none of their tactics have worked.

But since my brother and his wife did this to their dogs----I haven't heard the end of it. "It's not fair--everyone else has pets!"... "We don't have ANYTHING we can dress up for Halloween!" ..."We're the only kids in the whole world without a pet!"

I've always held firm that until everyone in the house poops solely on the toilet, we will not be adding any non-human creature that contributes to my amount of poop-cleaning.

Alex's friend was over last week and asked me why we didn't have a pet. (I'm not sure how much Alex paid him...but he was really trying to lay on a guilt trip. Why did I feel bad being judged by a 9 year old?) Before I could say anything, Maddie chimed in, "Everyone has to poop on the toilet first. There's too much poop around here." Dang straight.

Well, these days I'm happy to report that there is not much poop flying around. Aidan's been potty-trained for about 7 months now and was really easy. Avery on the other hand has been a stubborn, hot mess of a poop-ball. He's been potty trained with his #1's now for a long time. Easy-cheesy. But poops have been a major issue for this kid. He tries to hold it in--he does not want to waste time sitting on the toilet. Which inevitably means he is constantly making himself extremely, painfully constipated. And then when he does finally go, it's like delivering a four pound poop baby. Not pretty. We had about a month of bi-weekly appointments with glycerin suppositories and his hiney.

But it seems as if he's finally realized that sitting on the toilet for a few minutes every day is much easier than clenching his bumcheeks and tiptoeing around because of the pain resulting from trying to hold in more waste than I thought physically possible for his body to contain. And I'm really relieved that he's finally caught on, because if you thought changing poopy diapers was bad, then you've never tried to change a pair of poopy underwear on a sweaty kid at a playground in the back of a minivan during playgroup, when his body finally decided it had reached ultimate poop capacity and was going to get rid of the load even though the most tightly clenched bumcheeks.

Sorry--I got off on a poop tangent there. Old habits are hard to break. And poop tangents are extremely plentiful in my world.

So back to the pet issue. I did my research. I searched high and low. I wanted something easy. Something fairly clean. Something low-maintenance. Something that the kids couldn't disfigure and/or maul too easily. Something that wouldn't bite the kids appendages or faces off when they become overly excited and invade its space. Something that wouldn't add more noise to this excruciatingly loud house.

And so...I am happy to introduce you to our new pet.

Her name's Pork Chop. As you can see, she's the perfect size--just a little bigger than a football. She's not messy. She was fairly easy to train. She's held up pretty well so far. We've only had to perform surgery three times so far--both her ears have been broken off and reattached after the kids got a bit too rambunctious with her. She hangs out in a corner of the kitchen so she can eat scraps when they fall on the floor. Occasionally she gets used as a stepping stool, but luckily she's got a surprisingly strong back. And the kids like to blame her for stuff that they don't want to fess up to, but she doesn't mind.

Me: Who spilled cereal all over the floor!?
Me: Who pushed the chair over to the counter, climbed up, stole candy from the cupboard, and then left trash everywhere?
Them: Pork Chop!

That is one talented ceramic pig. And for now, it satisfies my pristine pet requirements and the kids were at least temporarily amused by my joke.

That'll do, pig. That'll do.

And right after I finished typing this, I went to load everyone in the car to go get Maddie's hair cut and I saw this as I opened the door. This. This further proof that we don't need another living, breathing, PEEING precocious creature around here.

Me: What is this?
Aidan: Pee.
Me: Who peed in the garage?
Aidan: um... Avery? (With a completely guilty look on his face while hoping that I believe Avery is the guilty pee-er.)
Me: Why did you pee in the garage Aidan?
Aidan: I dunno. I wanted to.

It's safe to say that Pork Chop is going to be the only pet around here for a LONG while.

And here's the after of Maddie's haircut--she wouldn't smile. I forgot to take the before. The front has shorter layers than the back because her bangs are almost completely grown out after about a year or so of waiting for them to catch up. She wants "a short haircut to her chin" but I told her she has to wait until it's all the same length first.

Plus, I've made the dreaded appointment for our family pictures to be taken next week and I'm trying to keep everyone looking as normal as possible. However, I'm fearful that the photographer may capture far too much of our normal in the picture--meaning lots of elbowing, poking, crying, and quite possibly some random peeing. If you think I'm joking, check out the family picture on the right from last year.

Maybe we should bring Pork Chop along...


Deanna said...

Awww...Pork Chop is so cute.

Randi said...

You should invest in a dog...they are FUN! But until then, the kiddos can come play with our two bullies!

Maddie's hair is cute!

Amy said...

Which brother has these dogs? I need to go squish them.

You seriously have too many poop issues at your house. The pig is the perfect pet for now.

Love the haircut.

Deanna said...

Amy, it's the little brother. The big brother has fish. :)

Candace said...


If you see this, look in your spam folder. I emailed you about two weeks ago and haven't heard from you. Everyone I have been emailing lately has been getting my emails in their spam folders. If you didn't get anything, will you email me at candacefielding(at)gmail(dot)com? I have a question to ask you. Thanks.