Thursday, November 19, 2009

Ramblings: I'm behind again

It's not my fault. Really. I have to fight for time to sit at the computer for any length of time. Either I'm pulled away by someone needing something (like their heads removed from between the slats of the stairway banister) or I'm kicked out of the way by kids wanting to play some game immediately or their heads will explode. And those are only a few of my excuses for being a stinky blogger lately. The others involve my utterly-diminished mental capacity, chauffeuring 300 kids to their various activities, and throwing food at all the little mouths that are constantly screaming about being hungry. Dang hummingbird metabolisms.

So I'll be doing a hodgepodge/junkity junk list of JUNK from the past few days.

1. Monday was my birthday. I'm getting old, but I feel older. I've always felt older than I actually am. That's what four kids before you're thirty will do to you, I suppose.

My dad called from New York with birthday tidings and asked if I feel like I'm in my thirties.
My response: No, I feel like I'm in my 50's. And then I yawned seven times in a row--I couldn't help it--it was 4:00 in the afternoon and that's when that mid-afternoon drowsiness hits me. His response: That's how old I am. To which I had to quickly offer the too-little-too-late response of: Not that fifty-something is old. Haha.

But in sadder news, I found a giant GRAY HAIR sticking right out in the front. The non-existent-butt genes are apparently not the only ones I inherited from Dad. I've got a completely silver hairdo to look forward to in the near future. I wonder if he has any extra boxes of Just for Men left over from when he dyed his hair for all those years...

Jeremy and I went out to run some errands and get dinner that night. Before we left, Jeremy said, "Everyone get with Mom and I'll take some pictures." And now you will witness the evolution of a typical WWF smackdown between the boys. Aidan's dressed like a spunky hobo. And you can see Pork Chop peeking out by the kitchen cupboards. She's such a ham. Get it? I crack myself up.

2. I hate when my technology nags me. My computer, my phone, my Tivo. They're just as whiny as the kids..."You did not eject that device properly"..."Are you sure you want to delete that?"..."You haven't updated your files in 7 years, wouldn't you like to do that now?" Who's in charge here? Stop judging me! Back off and give me some space.

3. Alex had his last baseball game of the season on Tuesday night right after his piano lessons. We raced over to the field and as we pulled up, I realized that I hadn't remembered to bring any balls or toys to entertain the little kids. I was too worried about figuring out how and what to administer for dinner amidst all the running around. Plus, it was freezing and I definitely hadn't dressed warmly enough. I'm usually stress-sweating so typically I don't even carry a coat around with me. Brrr. Luckily, it had rained a few days before and the boys found some semi-wet dirt to play with while I jazzersized behind the bleachers to keep warm. They spent almost an hour digging and throwing balls of mud at a fence to see if it would stick. Yes, I know what you're thinking. They were totally muddy disasters by the time it was over, but I was sure glad boys are entertained by such simple things. Maddie watched and tried NOT to get dirty. And I was sure glad girls aren't usually as dirty.

Avery learned an important lesson about not walking in front of your brother while he's trying to pee on a fence. I glanced back just as his pants were being "watered." Nice to meet you, white trash children. Not only do they pee in public, they pee ON each other in public. See the darker brown wet trail on Avery's leg? It's not just a shadow. He assured me, "It'll dry!" I think he was worried if I knew he was covered in urine, I'd make him go home. I didn't. I couldn't--I was stuck there in case I had to protect Alex from the verbally abusive assistant coach (nice, right?) in between watching the boys pee on each other and screaming empty threats that I would stick them in the car for time-outs if they threw any more mud balls at the spectators. I think they knew I was bluffing since the car was parked a mile away.

**Disclaimer**No innocent parents or baseball players were injured in the mudball flinging. But Alex would like to assure you that his crotch would've been 100% protected in the event Avery hurled one at him below the belt. After he gets dressed before every game, he runs around the house forcing everyone to punch his cup, exclaiming, "See! It doesn't even hurt!" And we have to act like it's not something we seen every week before. Boys=simple pleasures.

Alex plays 3rd base and caught a high fly ball for an out and then managed to get to second base on a hit that only went about 10 feet. I was just impressed and relieved that he was looking in the right direction for the majority of the game. Baseball's a little slow-paced for him. Basketball season's next and his favorite sport, partially because he's moving full-speed most of the time. He wisely observed at the end of last season, "Why is it that African-Americans are so much better at basketball?" He's learned early that white boys can't jump.

4. I'm almost done with the front room. My hope is to finish the picture wall frames when we get our pictures back from the dreaded Christmas photo session next week. There's a couple empty ones and one with an unknown family, though I may keep that one in there because they're posed so much better than we'll ever look. Every year I have high hopes that are dashed within the first 10 minutes by screaming, wild, uncooperative little crazy people. But maybe this is the year....see, there's my dumb optimism again. We'll know soon enough.

Don't you love my zebra chair? Jeremy wouldn't let me upholster the entire couch in it, so I settled for the chair.

5. Yesterday was One of Those Days. If you've had One Of Those Days, you'll understand why I capitalized it. It was a mom's perfect storm of bad days--cranky, tired kids, tons to do, disasters left and right, and a headache that started at 7:30 in the morning and never went away. (Jessica--I think you had O.O.T.D. a few days ago.)

Poor Brooke even ran into us at Kroger and got to witness a few minutes of why Kroger now has my and the boys' pictures hanging in the front of the store under a giant heading "Under NO CIRCUMSTANCES are any of these people allowed on the premises. Ever. Under penalty of death and/or dismemberment."

That's how lovely they were while I was buying the ingredients for an African dinner that Jeremy was supposed to prepare to go along with a presentation he was giving to the youth group at our church. (He lived in east Africa for 2 years as a missionary--in case you were wondering...) Except that he was running late from work (of course), so I got to cook the authentic African meal (have I mentioned that I have ZERO experience making African food??) in between cooking and feeding a separate meal to the kids, picking up Maddie from gymnastics, and trying to get Alex to finish his homework so he could get ready for scouts. Oh yeah, and busting Avery hiding in the hall closet under coats eating half-melted popcycles and dodging Aidan's shoes that he kept throwing at my face because he was mad I wouldn't let him eat fruit snacks for dinner.

Yesterday made me really glad that I don't drink. Cuz Jeremy would've come home to one frightful scene, with me completely passed out smack dab in the middle of the chaos, kung-fu gripping an empty bottle of whatever liquor could make everything disappear. I managed to hold my crap together until about 8:35 and then I was toast. Jeremy was still gone at the church activity and I had been up and down the stairs about 23 times trying to get the boys to stay in bed. But they were thirsty. But they needed bandaids. But they needed covered up again. But they had to pee (luckily not on each other). But they needed lotion because their skin hurt. AUGHHHHHHH. {Insert sound of mental breakdown here.}

And this was all after the 20 minute shower ordeal in which they decided to empty anything and everything contained in a bottle, and then smear the concoction all over the glass shower walls. And then accidentally in their eyeballs--your inference is correct that they screamed their heads off because their eyeballs were burning out of their heads.

The day after O.O.T.D. always seems better, because as long as your house doesn't burn down and your fingers don't get sheared off in a freak blender accident, it's a pretty good day in comparison.

6. I switched all the wooden blinds from white to espresso in the boys' room in an attempt to block out even more light to hopefully cause them to sleep in later than they are currently. Since the time change, they've been clomping down the stairs, turning on every light in the house at about 5:45. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? It's not even light then, but as the sun starts coming up earlier, I'm hoping the blinds do the trick. Even if it buys me 5 extra minutes of sleep, the $$$ to Lowe's was totally worth it. They were having a "campout" when I snapped this. And that floor lamp wasn't designed to bend at a 45* angle--that would be the boys' handiwork again.

7. This photo is Aidan to a T. I love it.
It's one of the personality traits that I see in my kids that I know comes directly from me. Part OCD/and part lover of organization. He spent a long time getting the shape just right. He was so pleased with his work. What a funny, spunky hobo.

7. I told Maddie last week at her haircut appointment that when I get my hair done, I usually look like a Martian. She didn't believe me so I took a picture in the mirror today to prove it to her. Martian. With giant man-hands. I'm hoping that was just a weird angle. But now at least I'm a former Martian with fresh highlights.

8. After that I had to return something to Old Navy and was pleasantly surprised to see that the clearance racks were an additional 50% off. So check near you and see--there was still alot of really good stuff for the kids at least. I don't have the patience to even look through the 3000 racks in the women's section.

9. I had a strange encounter with a Salvation Army guy that was manning a donation bucket outside a store. As I was walking up to stick a dollar in the red bucket, he flashes a huge (slightly creepy) grin. And then he starts thanking me for donating--you know the normal stuff they say.

But then it got kinda weird. He sort of follows me while I'm walking in, saying all sorts of strange things. "You're an angel. An angel! An angel sent straight down from heaven. Such a gorgeous addition to this good earth. A blessing straight from heaven, I assure you. An Angel. " And the whole time he's following me and getting closer and closer while I'm sort of nodding and trying to flee in a polite way. But by now we were all the way through TWO sets of doors and are by the shopping cart area. Go man your bucket, man! Do they do background checks on those folks? This guy must have slipped through the cracks. Or he was on crack. Dunno.

10. Alex's 9th birthday is in a few weeks. I had a weird realization about how old he's getting when I was hanging some laundry in his closet. His clothes no longer fit on the child's size hangers because they're just too big and they fall off. That was weird. How the heck do I have a kid big enough to use adult sized hangers? We asked him what he wants for his birthday and he said, "Hmm. I don't know. Probably just alot of cash." Oh brutha.

11. At the risk of jinxing his large intestine, I'm happy to announce that Avery's undies have been poop-free for over a week now. Whoo-Hoo. My gag-reflex and the utility sink are very thankful. We'll hope he can keep it up. I don't know what it has to do with using the toilet, but every time he has a successful #2 on the toilet he tells me, "See! I told you! My legs are growing longer!" If that's what it takes, then I hope his legs keep growing everyday.

And thus concludes the world's longest post. And if you actually read all of that, then 1) you're most likely related to me and feel some sort of pity-filled obligation and 2) You're an ANGEL--straight from heaven. A blessing to this beautiful earth! God bless you!


Andrea said...

Aahhh... I'm an angel! :)

And I seriously love your front room.

Randi said...

WOW...that was a long post! How long did it take you to do that?

Love all the pictures! I am so jealous of your front room! I might have to do my guest room in zebra!

Greg said...

I think Alex needs a dirt-bike for his birthday. I still look back on all those near death experiences and realize the lessons I learned.

Pamela said...

I think that Greg should just TELL Alex the lessons he has learned from the dirt-bike! And anyway, I'm family, but don't feel obligated, just relieved that someone else knows my pain with 3 year old boys!

Ciana said...

It was great to see some pictures of your house that didn't include poo.
I am so glad that the kids didn't let you down with a uneventful birthday week.

Tom and Jen Loveland Family said...

I haven't commented much, but I love reading your posts. Sooo funny. :) I'm Jeremy's long-lost cousin in case you are trying to figure out who I am.

Deanna said...

Thanks for a good laugh.

the whit said...

I love these kinds of posts. Your front room is awesome, I need that chair!

Travis and Jamie said...

Wanna come and decorate my house? I'm at a loss as to how to decorate this time around. Starting completely over with everything would be nice, but stinking student loans must be paid first! And 31 must be the magic number. I've discovered 3 silver hairs since June, and everytime I find one I remember hearing my Mom say that she just loved hers cause they reminded her of her grandma. WHAT?! I just pull them out and wimper for a minute or two. And I feel your constant feeding pains. Jacob and Xander think that every twenty minutes it is time to eat something else. Only Xander can never decide what it is that he wants to eat, besides cheese, and you can guess what that does to him.

Marnie said...

Loved your marathon post, and no we're not even related. The zebra chair is awesome, it matches the shower curtain in our guest bathroon. Hope you had a great birthday.

The Lowe Family said...

i already knew you were a maritan.

i love your front room, ESPECIALLY the zebra chair


what else was i gonna say???

oh yeA, the technology rights crap. so austin makes fun of me but i'm no a big fan of recycling. now freakin NC is making it against the LAW to throw away water i started says, "i want my rights back!!"

now i say it for stole my line.

Amy said...

Your ramblings always make me laugh.

Love the chair.

Happy Birthday.

Lindsay said...

that mud flinging story makes me really impressed with your patience.. i'm so NOT. i love the pee part. it was wonderous. HAH. you're quite entertaining you know?