1. After you've been here five minutes, say "I think you just have a phone off the hook somewhere." Oh, really? Because don't you think that's the first thing I checked before I called you and your buddy out here to traipse around my house after I sat here all day waiting for you. Surprise, surprise: NOT just a phone off the hook.
2. Leave muddy bootprints all the way up my stairs and through the living room. Did you not notice the invisible plaque by the front door reading "insanely anal clean freak lives here. be afraid. be very afraid." I've had lots of delivery, repair, milkmen (just kidding) here when it's raining, and they have all done something very novel---they TAKE THEIR SHOES OFF before leaving the tile. Even Maddie and the boys noticed. Maddie came and found me and said "MOM! Those guys left mud all the way upstairs. You are going to be MAD!" and the boys kept pointing and saying "Mess" over and over.
3. When I ask if you've figured out the problem, you point to your weird shrieking device plugged into my wall with a "duh, doesn't that mean anything to you?" snotty look on your face. Well, no, it just sounds like you're grinding up one of my neighbor's cats in a blender. And why should I know if that sound means you have or have not fixed it? Am I the one wearing the awesome orange tool belt making my pants sag to the point of revealing bumcrack?
4. Leave at least three of my doors to the outside open at all times so that I get to wrangle two angry two-year-olds back in the house about 100 times. But I understand, pushing down on a door level requires alot of upper body strength.
5. Keep telling me over and over how you just don't know what the problem could possibly be and you're just going to "monkey around" with some wiring to see if that fixes it. Say what? I could open the wiring box outside and let the twins monkey around with it if that's what we're doing here.
6. Ask me ridiculous questions that I couldn't possibly have the answers to....like "When they built the house, which phone jacks did they tie together on the same line?" Then when I say "we bought the house 1 1/2 years after it was built. I have no idea which jacks are on the same line" you give me an exasperated look that might as well say "if you don't have answers, this mystery will never be solved!"
7. After the twins wake up one at a time from their naps and Alex gets home from school, laugh and say "Every time I turn around there's another kid!" Welcome to my world, pal. NOW GET BACK TO WORK!
8. After rewiring five outlets, discover that the problem is an entirely separate issue with the jack that I told you THREE HOURS AGO was the cause of the problem.
9. "Finish" after three hours, forgetting to close up the box of exposed wires outside by the garage and leaving your 25 foot ladder up leading to the garage attic so that the kids can try to kill themselves--prompting Jeremy to ask me if you guys were on crack while you were here. Oh, and while you're in the attic, jack around with the bundle of wires so that after you leave we discover the satellite doesn't work anymore.
10. Call this morning about coming back to fix everything that got messed up yesterday and to retrieve your ladder, but act REALLY ticked off when I tell you that I have to take my four year old to preschool and then go to the store, but I'll be back after 10:30.
11. Show up and say with a straight face that you can't understand how anything you did yesterday could have affected the satellite. Then wander around aimlessly mumbling about how "stumped" you are. Call your buddy for backup. Both of you wander and mumble.
12. One of you randomly start pushing buttons on the remote while pointing it at the TV that is flashing "no satellite signal" while your buddy retraces his steps in the attic "re-wiggling" cables. When the signal is suddenly restored, tell me that the satellite just needed reconfiguring and probably didn't have anything to do with the loose wires in the attic that your buddy discovered he "wiggled a bit too hard yesterday."