Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Rant: Because I needed another reason...

A factual fairy tale for your amusement...


Once upon a time there was a large whale-like princess that waddled around her castle while trying to keep her unruly subjects in order. Or at least attempted to keep them off of tall and/or dangerous furniture. Her body was constantly sore and her belly was LARGE. And throughout the night, because the whale-like physique encroached so much on her bladder's territory, she waddled off to the bathroom at least three times in the darkness. Seriously. Dark. Helen Keller style--no lights necessary. The routine occurred in complete darkness because as anyone else that's been whale-like knows, completely waking up in the middle of the night is a dangerous proposition. The whale-like princess may NEVER get back to sleep, no matter how exhausted or tired she may be.

But last night was different. At her midnight  potty-break, she stepped into the bathroom and immediately felt a stabbing pain in her foot. Half-awake, in shock, and fumbling for the light switch, she contemplated what might have caused such pain. Perhaps one of the loose tiles finally shattered and a jagged shard was protruding from the arch of her foot. Perhaps one of the unruly subjects set a booby trap, attempting to ensnare their wicked task-master.  But what it really felt like was a hypodermic needle being shoved about two inches into her foot. Though the princess was fairly certain no sloppy diabetics or i.v. drug users were hanging out by her toilet at midnight.

So the whale princess finally flipped on the lights and after her eyes cleared, she looked down and saw a very dazed and flittering wasp on the floor. (Can you blame him? He just got stepped on by a whale.) And indeed, her foot was already turning red and swelling around the needlepoint sized dot in the arch of her foot. And then it began to sting. Alot. And then it throbbed. Alot. And the princess still had to pee. Alot. But for fear that the wasp might still decide to attack again, she couldn't risk using that bathroom and so she hobbled out into the hall. And maybe she was cursing that wasp under her breath. Just a little.

But remembering the hall bathroom was out of toilet paper because the rebellious subjects hadn't obeyed and replaced the roll, all the princess could do was stand and holler. Luckily, the prince had just rolled into the castle.

(Did the princess mention the prince is in trial this week? Meaning he's been absent around the castle since sometime last week. Including the entire weekend which REALLY ticked the princess off. And he sneaks in at weird hours and then leaves a very cranky princess in the wee morning hours.) Little does the prince know, he may find that his key and garage opener don't work by the end of this week.

But luckily the whale-princess's hollers brought the prince running because he thought the princess was in labor. Apparently she had PAIN in her voice--whether from the incredibly growing mass of a foot or from having to go the bathroom so badly--we will never know. And so the prince squashed the evil villain and the princess finally got to pee. (A new spin on the Princess and the Pea.) And yes, as if the princess didn't have enough trouble sleeping through the night due to the impossibility of finding any comfortable position with her whale belly, now she had to endure a foot that felt as if it was on fire.

And so today, the tired princess is hobbling and waddling around with one very inflamed and painful foot. Because she needed another reason to have a bad attitude and to walk funny. (I just googled "swollen feet" to try to find a funny picture. TRUST ME. I am doing you a favor by not showing any--most of them were really nasty.)

And so the princess and the 2 little subjects that have yet to start preschool (2 more weeks), are headed off (full of SPITE with REVENGE on the mind) to buy lots of this:

The whale princess has decreed: DEATH TO ALL WASPS.

7 comments:

aubrey said...

Oh my gosh you crack me up! I'm so sorry...that totally sucks...hope your foot feels better soon.

Greg and Randi said...

Yicks...that stinks! That is the second sting in just a few weeks right? Hope it feels better!!!!

Deanna said...

"Jungle Jim" from the library (crazy guy with lots of creatures) kept comparing snake/scorpion/etc. bites to bee stings. He'd say, "this isn't poisonous, it's bite just feels like half a bee sting. No big deal." So there you go, you must be tough stuff to endure an entire wasp sting.

Hope it feels better!

Travis and Jamie said...

So sorry. I'm sure it killed, I had one crawl up my scrubs and sting me in the thigh. It didn't feel very good, but I'm sure that doesn't even compare to the bottom of your foot, especially when pregnant!

brent and kashann said...

Laura, you are not a whale. I have a great picture to prove it. Should I post it again.

So sorry about your horrible night. Really bad luck.

Alainna Beus said...

I'm sorry I'm laughing at your expense, but let's be honest, that story was hilarious! Sorry for your pain though... How many weeks left? I forgot the exact due date.

Bev Livingston said...

Okay I loved that fairy tale. Great story and except for stepping on a wasp, I remember the many trips to the bathroom i1n the darkness while I was prego.