Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Rant: The Amazing Shrinking Bed

Jeremy commented that I have raved and rambled, but I haven't shared any rants. I guess it's because I'm just such an awesomely upbeat and optimistic person, negative things rarely come into my thoughts. Ha ha. Right. I wish. So here's today's rant...dedicated to the one who nagged me to do it.

For eight and a half of the nearly 10 years of married life, we have owned a queen size bed. Not large and luxurious, but sufficient nevertheless. (More sufficient some years than others, based on our ever changing waistlines). When we finally decided to move-on-up in the world and get a king size bed (after suffering and squeezing into/onto the queen thru three pregnancies that yielded four kids), I thought my clinging-to-the-edge-for-dear-life-days were over.

Now I must backtrack a bit. I was never under the illusion that I married a rugged, macho, tough, outdoorsy type of a guy--for which I've always been perfectly happy. However--things have progressed a bit too far in the un-macho direction. In the past few years, Jeremy has become very high maintenance about his sleeping routine. He requires AT A MINIMUM : two pillows for under his head and two 6-foot long, full-length body pillows--one for each side. He literally entombs his body in pillows each night. Every inch of his body has to be in contact with at least one pillow. Has there ever been a better version of "The Prince and the Pea?"

It should also be noted that these requirements are not null and void while traveling. I have been embarrassed on more than one occasion when he calls the hotel concierge and asks them to bring up six extra pillows--to compensate for the lack of body pillows. And the poor guy looks at us like we're crazy when he sees just two people and 4,000 pillows. But the better option (according to the pillow-king) is to stop off on the way from the airport at a bedding store in order to purchase the necessary pillows. When we depart, they are then left with whomever we were visiting or the baffled maid cleaning the hotel room.

Total to date spent on pillows while traveling: $6,873. You too may one day be the recipient of enough pillows to house a family of six.

You may still ask, "well, why do you care?" And the easy answer is, I wouldn't... IF THEY WOULD STAY ON HIS SIDE OF THE BED. I no longer get to enjoy all the vast space offered by our new huge bed. I'm back to feeling squished and shoved off of my rightful 3 feet of bed space; reliving the nightmare of being smothered to death with every toss and turn. After 10 years, is a little wiggle room while sleeping too much to ask?

Not to mention...it's a bit embarrassing having to admit that my husband is a pillow-addict/sleeping snob.

9 comments:

Andrea said...

OK. That is HILARIOUS! Maybe because I am a little particular about my pillows, too. But $6,873! That might be a little over the top! So funny.

Oh, and I definately have to agree with your #4 over there on the side. Love me some Sonic Happy Hour!

Amy said...

So funny. Sounds serious.

I'm glad you started a blog. It's fun to see what everyone is up to. We should all get together sometime! Andrea, Me, You, Marianne...oh wait, Marianne doesn't live in TEXAS anymore. Too bad.

I miss out on the Sonic thing. People tell me and then I forget. I haven't gotten out much lately.

BRENT & KASHANN said...

I am 9 months pregnant and don't even use a body pillow. Jeremy has a problem! That would be completely annoying. Does he need one on both sides so he doesn't have to move it when he rolls over? It reminds me of when toddlers get stuck on a certain number and order of blankets at bedtime? Ok, I am his sister so I can be hard on him right?

BRENT & KASHANN said...

Husbands are the best subject for blog rants, btw.

Laura said...

I should've mentioned that his addiction began when i was pregnant and tried using the body pillow. Eventually i got so big with the twins i couldn't really use it, but by then he had decided he was adopting it.
kashann--any feelings that you're getting close to delivering?

D said...

Love the picture...as if we couldn't imagine the sight of your macho, rugged man with all of the pillows from your description. Thanks for the laugh (as my girls fight in the background...I think I might just let them scream it out this time.)

Kimball & Marianne Larsen said...

Really, $6,873? Is there counseling out there for this? What a great read! Thanks for sharing.

Laura said...

ok. i may have exaggerated a tad on the $ to date. Jeremy would say in lawyer terms that it was a "gross misrepresentation" or something like that. i need to find him a support group. But we really should get together--maybe next time Marianne comes to town. Any plans coming back to tx. any time soon?

Travis and Jamie Shepherd said...

Too funny. But really sister, we are still sleeping on a DOUBLE!! Yep, you read right. I had a queen when we were first married, but Travis thought that it was too uncomfortable, and his parents had just bought him a new double when he got home from his mission. I hear ya on clinging to the side, I don't know how many times I fell out of bed while prego. And as for the body pillow, I tried this last time while pregnant because my back and hips hurt. Travis calls "him" my psudo-husband, but everytime I would get up to go to the bathroom I would come back to Travis cuddled up to it. Oh how I cannot wait for a new LARGER bed.
Did I mention that Travis has slept in the MIDDLE of it for so long that it now has an indentation. Just thought I would add that.