Ramblings: Saturday, Part 2

(See Part 1 here)
I was reminded that I never finished my ramblings about the rendezvous with my new boy-toy at Walmart last Saturday. I sort of lost my thunder about retelling the story after loading on all the pictures of the kids first day of school. Then it seemed somehow creepy to sandwich their smiling faces between posts about a semi-toothed, personal-space invading, bumcrack showing tire man. I'll leave you with a few choice, albeit random, thought nuggets from the experience:

(By the way, my friends and I created a list in eighth grade of the most disgusting words--I can still remember most of them and 'nugget' still holds the #1 position. Sick. Nothing sounds good described as a nugget--not even a gold one. Although when I found this picture labeled "Nugget Power" featuring Jeremy’s boyfriend, I almost changed my mind about hating the word. What a great Christmas present for Jeremy--a little Archey Nugget.











*If there was a contest about how many times you could catch someone leering inappropriately in a two hour span, I would be the winner and the Tire Guy would be the PERV...which just reminded me of a funny Office episode...can't wait till it starts up again.






* Do you think Walmart's insurance would cover a botox procedure for a "condition" involving excessive sweating of the bumcrack? Or perhaps this particular walmart employee already had his armpits botoxed, and my friend is right--that the sweat starts coming out in less desirable places. It's surprising how sweat becomes way less appealing when it's being flung on you by Walmart veteran tire-installer "Ricky" instead of Mraz.




* Did you ever see the Seinfeld episode about the Sideler? The guy that always sneaks right up next to you out of nowhere? Well, cross that guy between the other episode with The Close Talker, and you've met the Tire Guy. After he invited me into the dimly lit, CLOSED garages of Walmart to crouch down and see the hole in my tire, we had to search my car for the spare. Every time I'd stand up or turn around from looking under or inside the car, he'd be right up on me. I almost screamed once because he startled me so bad...that and I really, really wanted to avoid any actual physical contact.

*Despite guesses from Jeremy and nameless friends (Kris and John), NO! I did not hug him or flash him as a form of payment. Because he couldn't fix the flat and didn't have a replacement, he said there was no charge. But I felt guilty because he had spent alot of time already working on it, so I did give him a $10 bill and worried the whole way home that I could see him following me in my rear view mirror.

WAIT! Do you think once he got here he would wash windows? I might even be tempted to flash him for that.

And no (jessica), I didn't get up the nerve to snap his picture so you could grasp the nastiness. Exercise your imagination.

Rave: Cheap Butterflies

I've been looking for a new comforter for Maddie's bed for awhile now. The problem is that she inherited our queen size mattress when we finally upgraded to a king. Most designers don't make a ton of cute little-girl type bedding in queen size, and the places that do (Pottery Barn, Garnet Hill, etc.) want WAY too much for it. But I found a set by Tommy Hilfiger I really liked when walking through Macy's a couple of weeks ago, but I nearly had a spasm when I saw the $400+ price tag. So imagine my delight upon finding the complete set on Overstock for about 1/4 of the price, no sales tax, and shipped for < 3 bucks. Plus, I had a 10% off coupon and viola! Maddie will have a new setup in about 5 days. Ahhh, I love online shopping....
But if Jeremy asks--it was a gift, or I've had it for a long time, or it was like $15. Work with me, people!

Ramblings: Funny Finds 'round the House

One of these days, I should sit Jeremy down and finally explain what this big white box is really for...

Should I be more concerned that I even found this on my five year old's nightstand, or that she arranged it right next to her "Jesus Rocks" prayer rock that she made in her Methodist preschool class last year? At least she's trying to save some cash by using a coupon...

Rave: First Day of School

I'm interrupting the Saturday posts to scratch the grandparents' itch to see how the first day of school went. (Although by their outfits you probably thought it was the 4th of July. Nope. Purely accidental.) The kids were SOOO excited, which made it alot easier for me to send them off for such a long school day. They had already met their teachers, taken their supplies, and seen their classes and desks so they didn't have any anxiety about all that. Alex had more anxiety about being seen posing for first day pictures in the front yard. You would've thought I asked him to wear a dress or eat lima beans for lunch. 2nd grade=2 cool for mom's sentimentality.

Jeremy took them to school (to avoid the scene we make when traveling as a herd) and although Maddie was cool with her smooch, he mortally embarrassed Alex by kissing him on the cheek in front of his friends. They rode the bus home together--I can see the school's playground from my front porch, so it's a short ride, but Maddie was so excited to finally get to ride it after watching Alex for two years. I told Alex he had to sit by her for at least the first day since she wouldn't know anyone else to sit by (I'm vicariously having anxiety for her about things she doesn't even have a clue she should be nervous about...like not having someone to sit by at lunch or on the bus. Can't wait for them to be in highschool--I'll be a nervous wreck.) Anyway, he was about to protest but lucky for him, he just nodded and said, "Well, maybe she can meet someone her age today."

The boys were awake (dang short naps) to wait for them outside on the porch so they could greet them as them tumbled out of the bus. Aidan was perplexed all morning about where they were. He kept telling me that "Alex. Maddie. At school." But then he'd ask me "Alex and Maddie. Sad?" "No, Alex and Maddie are happy to be at school," I told him. So the rest of the day and even today he keeps telling me, "Alex and Maddie at school. Happy. Me happy too." Maybe he isn't worried that they are happy at school, maybe he's just happy they're at school. Plus, he's learned that they'll share any treats they got at school with him when they come home.

A successful first day of "real school." Real versus preschool, I guess. She was most excited by her sticker proclaiming her "an official kindergartner". I was most excited that both her hair bows were still in her possession. They never have many details to report for me. "It was fun." "Fine." "Nice." "Good." That's all the answers my questions got before they ran off to play.

Ramblings: Saturday, Part 1

Jeremy had been promising to bring me home a "surprise"all last week--I feared it was a new iphone. He's been salivating over the new and improved faster one and has been scheming to give me his old one so he could buy the new one. "Well, it would be new to you" was his explanation of why I should be happy with the hand-me-down. "And it has a GPS in it, and camera..." My reply: "But I don't need another camera, and I already have an ipod, and why do I need GPS? I'm pretty sure I know how to get to the soccer field, ballet, and Kroger. THOSE ARE THE ONLY PLACES I GO."

Anyway, I'm digressing--the surprise was much better than a used iphone. Saturday morning he told me that he had managed to buy some tickets to the Jason Mraz concert for the end of October. And since the tickets he got are somewhere in the first few rows, maybe I'll be lucky enough to have sweat flung on me...or get a good shot at grabbing his bum. And even though we may have had to sell our firstborn into child slavery to pay for them, I've got three other spares, right? So in a couple months I'll get to spend an entire evening with Mraz...just me and my little Mraz. Oh, and I guess Jeremy will be there too. Not everyone knows his music, so I stole a description from some website:

Jason Mraz is an American singer-songwriter, born and raised in Mechanicsville,
Virginia, a suburb of Richmond. Jason Mraz is an eclectic artist with multiple
and varied stylistic influences, including pop, rock, jazz, folksy country, and
hip-hop/rap. Jason Mraz's clear, strong tenor voice and easygoing, optimistic
lyrics gained popular acclaim in 2003 when his first single, The Remedy I Won't
Worry, began to receive regular play on radio, MTV, and VH1.

I was also surprised to find out that Jeremy had signed up to donate blood in one of those Carter traveling blood-mobiles that was going to be parked at our church on Saturday afternoon. A little background: Jeremy HATES needles, getting shots, and the sight of blood in general. Once in Florida when we were on vacation, he got really sick and had to go to the E.R. to get some shots. He had to sort of stand up and lean on the bed so the nurse could shoot him in the bum, but right after she gave him the shot he started swaying, went really pale, and almost passed out. She said that happens sometimes....usually to men, not women. SO he had to get another shot to help him recover from getting the first shot. He has yet to live that one down. All I have to say is that it's a good thing that the women have the babies...or there would be a serious baby shortage due to the abundance of babies of a much larger, hairier, male kind.

Anyway, he was so nervous driving up there that I thought he's pass out before they even stuck him--he was seriously all sweaty and jittery. And apparently hearing about how I had to have a zillion needles in my arms and my nether-regions while having Alex and Maddie, and how I had my abdomen and insides cut open and sewn back together to deliver the twins, all that didn't help him get over his nerves and fear of a tiny, minuscule little needle.

We had to go in shifts because one of us had to stay inside the church gym to watch the kids, so I didn't get to hear or see all the drama when they finally did put in the needle. I tried to bribe someone on the inside to take my camera and put it to good use when he was sprawled out unconscious on the floor of the bus, but no one would. (Jessica, i know you're sad about that).

When he was done, I got to go in and hear all the other men in the bus whining about getting poked too. WUSSES! And they are apparently in desperate need of blood, because even though mine was carbonated and 79% Diet Coke, they still took it. But I did almost got kicked off the bus because I was too wiggly and kept knocking things off that the nurse perched precariously on my arm or the edge of the bed. I know, such a troublemaker. Right before I left the bus, a total torrential downpour started and I got drenched running back into the church to retrieve the others. Oh, what we'll do for a really cool free Carter Blood Care t shirt--size Really Huge, a powerade, and some NutterButters. Oh, and to save lives and all that.

As we were planning our attack on how to load the four kids, and strap the two into their carseats without getting even more soaked, we looked and one of our tires was totally flat. Like almost driving on the rim flat. (The same tire that I supposedly had fixed while I sat with the twins for an hour and a half at NTB the week before. GRRRR. NTB, shame on you.)

New plan: Try to drive in this crazy storm without ruining what's left of the wheel to the nearest gas station, so Jeremy can stand out in the storm to fill it up with air. Oh, and all the kids have to be screaming about needing to pray for the tire, generally freaking out about the rain and tornadoes, and acting like total spazzes or the plan will be ruined. Mission accomplished. Alex screamed, "THE PRAYER WORKED!" --and it's a good thing we made it or we'd have some serious faith issues on our hands.

I think his exact words when he looked up and saw me trying to take a picture were "I'm glad you're enjoying this." But I'm pretty sure he was being sarcastic. At least the free giant tshirts came in handy as makeshift towels. Thanks Carter. Oh, did I mention it was 5:55 on a Saturday night? We used the handy but "old, crappier, slower" iphone to look up a few tire places online, though every single one was closed or as one guy said, "We're walking out the door right now...and we're not stopping." Thanks, random tire guy. Anyway, we decided to risk it and drive to Walmart in the hopes they'd take pity on us. And they did because they were supposed to be closed at 7, and the guy said that they were really busy but he'd let us come back at 7:00 and he'd fix our tire because he could use the overtime. That gave us time to drag all the unhappy, hungry, traumatized kids back home so only one of us would have to come back. Thanks Walmart, for authorizing overtime.

But sadly, this is not the end of the tire story. In fact, the best part is yet to come. The part where I get an after hours tour of the Walmart garages with the skeevy little perv of a tire guy that kept staring at the twins (and I'm NOT talking about the boys here). I'll write more when the twins (and I AM talking about the boys here) are taking a nap.

Ramblings: Stay Tuned for Saturday's Shenanigans

I am really too tired to be blogging right now--everything is blurry and my fingers won't hit the right keys. I wanted to be sure to fill you in on a few funny and crazy things about today...but you'll have to stay tuned in the upcoming days because I don't have the energy to post it all tonight. And with Monday being the first day of school, I don't know if I'll get to it tomorrow because I'll be busy exercising my OCD with outfit planning, labeling belongings, backpack organizing, and lunch making. But just to tease you, stories will be forthcoming regarding: a night with Mraz, Jeremy's near fainting in the blood-mobile, car repairs in a torrential downpour, and my super-romantic after hours date with a helpful, yet pervy and pretty stinky, Wal-mart mechanic. Hope I'll be back soon...

Ramblings: Why I'm jealous of my friend's armpits

I have a friend that BOTOXed her armpits because she hated the fact that she'd get really bad sweaty pits when she got nervous. Apparently, the botox puts the sweat glands out of commission, and she swears that her armpits are always dry and her clothes are pit-stain free. Awesome. I'm totally jealous--but even more jealous that it was free. This several hundred dollar procedure cost her ZERO. Now guess why? Have you wondered why insurance is so expensive? Yup. Her health insurance covered 100% of the "procedure" because of her sweating "condition." I need to track down her dermatologist and make an appointment...

Her biggest fear: that the sweat's gonna come out somewhere else--like the top of her bumcrack or something. That seems only fair if you ask me.

And no, my friend in no way resembles the smug looking chimp above. But doesn't it totally look like that other chimp is conducting a thorough examination to figure out how botox could've stopped a massive outpouring of sweat from that pit? "You mean--he just stuck the needle right here, and here, and that's it? Amazing."

Ramblings: Olympic Randomness

Is it just me or has anyone else noticed the excessive use of both hairclips and blue eyeshadow by the Chinese women's gymnastics team? I get that they need to keep their hair out of their faces, but I counted 12 clips in one girl's head. TWELVE. On one tiny little (13 year old) head. You could barely even see her hair behind all those clips. Ok. I'm feeling a little bitter because 1) I think Nastia should have had the gold on the uneven bars and 2)I can't help but thinking that at least one, if not two, of those girls had some forged passports or whatever "proof" they keep saying they had to show to prove they were at least 16. Plus, I'm extra cranky because these dang Olympics are keeping me up WAY past my bedtime.

Ramblings: Maddie's Musings II

Mom, do my eyes look evil?

Um. No. Why? Do you want them to?

YES! (said with exasperation, like, who wouldn't want their eyes to look evil?)

Ramblings: Twins cause Mental Demise (and alot of property damage)

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I've taken a blogging break for the passed few, err...seven days. Not because I wanted to, but because anytime I turn away from the dynamic duo of disaster, BAD things happen. BAD things including:

*Flooding my bathroom with three inches of water

*Removing their diapers from pre-bath bodies, smashing and spreading poop all over freshly steam-cleaned carpet

*Chewing 100 tampons open, ripping them apart, and throwing them around my closet--this is the SECOND box (which was hidden) to replace the first box they did this to.

*Opening a bottle of chocolate syrup, spreading it over 2 couches, squirting it down the hall, into their bedroom, into a clothes hamper full of clothes, into the toy box, all over the cribs, and for fun--back down the hall into my room

*Jumping on the kitchen table and swinging the pendant lamp above it and laughing hysterically while trying to dodge it and not fall off the table

*Pouring out an entire box of cereal across the kitchen and then jumping on each piece to make sure it's as "bah-ro-ken" as possible

*Throwing every item of makeup I own into the bathtub and then turning on the water full blast, ruining anything powdery

*Finding Maddie's stash of markers and crayons and coloring all over the coffee table and tile floors

And these are just most of the BAD things that happened in the past few days. I think I've blocked out the even more traumatic ones in an effort of mental self-preservation. And no, I don't let the twins run wild without supervision. I check on them at LEAST every three minutes because that's how fast quiet, calm, puzzle playing can turn into a naked poop fest in the dining room. And my ridiculous off-white carpet has been steam cleaned three complete times this week. And the chocolate syrup covered areas received four extra cleanings with various stain removers each time trying to get out all the evidence of their attack. And why don't I have any pictures of these things? I am not quite recovered enough even several days after to think it's funny--so I was most definitely not in the mood for Kodak moments upon discovery. People with twins have warned me they get into more trouble because they have a partner in crime, but I had no IDEA. Calgon, take me AWAY. Or at least point me in the direction of a qualified pill-dispensing doctor (or a non-qualified street dealer--at this point I'm not picky), so maybe at least I'll think these things are funny when they happen.