Ramblings: Mini-me hiney

I'm currently typing while doing my calming deep-breathing exercises. I had this post almost entirely done when Aidan ran behind the computer desk to hide from a sword-wielding Avery. The problem is that he sat down to hide and his bum landed right on the computer cord, yanking it from the wall and sending my post into the darkness of the computer screen. Sadly, blogspot's "autosave" hadn't autosaved nuthin. Round two begins...

I have a mental list of things to write about--well, I should say had a mental list. My mushy, squishy, mommy brain has failed me again. I'll just start with today and try to stay current from now on.

Trace and Alex had their 4 month and 10 year checkups today. It's always nice to bundle appointments--even if I had to make Alex wait a couple of months. Trace weighed in at a hefty {read: chubby} 17 pounds, placing him in the 80th percentile. Alex weighed in at 65 pounds, putting him in the 25th percentile and I can't remember his height, but it was also 25th. Much to Alex's dismay, Trace had to endure 2 shots. He only cried for about 20 seconds, but did give me the full-on, stuck out pouty lip for three minutes. He kept looking at me like he was disappointed in my decision to bring him to the torture chamber wherein a guy with cold hands that sort of looks like Grandpa pushes and pokes on all his body parts, including his tiny man-baby parts south of the border. And if that wasn't  bad enough, the imitation Grandpa then shines a bright light in his eyes, pokes something pointy in his ears, and passes him off to someone else that stabs something sharp into his blubbery thighs. Twice. BAD CHOICE, MOTHER!

I texted the stats to Jeremy, who then sent back "When I was in 7th grade, I weighed 74 pounds." Alex is well on his way to surpass that, but when he asked the doctor if he was "average" sized, he added, "cuz I don't want to be a midget." {read: like my midget mother} Jeremy finally grew when he was about 17 and he managed to make it to about 6'3", so mixed with my pathetic 5'4", he may have a shot at almost 6 feet.

I asked Jeremy how he remembers how much he weighed in 7th grade--that seems sort of a random thing to remember to me. Especially because I'm pretty sure he'd only get 1 or 2 out of the 5 kids birthdays correct. And that's even including the twins' two-for-one birthdate. And also impressive considering this is the guy that was supposed to return something for me and on the way there, forgot entirely where he was headed and just went on to work. But apparently he has the ability to remember what weight division he wrestled in every grade.

Which brings me to another issue: the wrestling outfits. Yikes. I've been informed that they're called singlets, but to me they are really just giant, spandex onesies.  And because it's a "sport," its considered entirely acceptable to roll around in all sorts of compromising positions, grabbing at anything and everything you can manage to get a grip on, in fully-exposing spandex bodysuits. Now, I'm not making fun of the actual wrestlers. Those dudes are tough and strong. I just feel badly that they have to wear such revealing leotards. But apparently the Sims don't mind wearing them--look how happy they are strutting around in their spandex. Why do pretend video game guys need singlets, anyway? Weird.

And I really, really wanted to find some pictures of Jeremy back in his highschool wrestling days when he weighed as much as a fourth grader. But alas, they are nowhere to be found.  His mom (hint hint) or sisters (hint hint) might have to get some to me. So this will have to suffice---see what I mean about compromising positions?


Even though everyone keeps telling me that Trace looks just like Jeremy, I found something that he shares with his mommy. Dimples, baby. I just wish mine were as cute. Half of his 17 pounds resides in his hiney cheeks. Man, I wish I had a teeny tiny singlet to squish him into...

Ramblings: When good times go bad...

I finally downloaded the pics from my camera. All were of Trace (which should keep the Grandmas happy). At least he'll never be able to claim there aren't any pictures of him like most last-borns do.

Those Russian czars sure are fickle.

 Hello, I'm Trace. I'm sure happy. Let's try some tummy time.

 

Well, now this is some real fun. Wow. I can look all around.

 

Hey Mom! There you are!

  

Ok. Wait. This is getting kinda hard. 

  

My neck. It's....just....not....strong....enough...to support...my giant....orange of a head.

 

Rolling over is so over-rated. I'll eat my fist until I feel better. 

Rave: Pure Awesomeness

 
Query: When selecting tattoos for the back of your thighs (a very logical location for two giant tattoos, thank you very much), do you go for something classic--like a heart with an arrow? Or do you opt for two matching 80's hairbow tattoos to grace the back of your legs for the rest of your life?

Answer (if you're the lady standing in front of me at Macy's): HAIRBOWS, all the way.

Pure Awesomeness.

But what is that tat on her ankle, you ask? I'm not sure. I didn't want to get any closer. But here's my guess:

Long live the 80's.

Ramblings: I'll try to give her a break...

Maddie. But the sympathy that she's earned having four brothers is quickly wearing off. For example, a conversation the other night when she came into the room where I was on the elliptical:
    *Mom, your stomach is all jiggly when you exercise. Probably because you're fat.
    *Well, thank you very much. That was so nice of you to notice.
    *Oh, (giggling--trying to find a friendlier word than fat) how about...large?
    *Nope. Not much nicer.
    *Medium sized?
    * How about you just refrain from commenting about people's jiggly fat?
    *Hmmm. Maybe. (Runs out of the room)

I should get this Dr. Phil poster and hang it in front of the elliptical. Or she'll probably get it for me for Mother's Day.

And I promised the story of the new TV stand. We've had the same TV cabinet for about five years. It was definitely on its last leg--literally. The kids have broken the doors off it about five separate times and we've reattached them with the wonder of wood glue and some sturdy clamps. They even used the poor thing as a launching pad to measure how far they can jump across the room. I had been searching to find its replacement for months--which explains why Maddie is still alive after doing what she did.

I was dusting it when I stopped dead in my tracks. Scratched into the wood finish right on the top in plain view was about a five inch "A L E X." I immediately thought of Maddie because I had recently caught her writing on cabinets, desks, and in weird places . But when I asked her she immediately acted surprised, shocked, and then tried to change the subject. Definitely suspicious behavior. But her 20 minute denial throughout my constant badgering was so emphatic, I let it go.


The dynamic duo of destruction (the twins) were eliminated at the beginning of my investigation because neither of them can even spell their own names correctly 100% of the time, let alone someone else's. But they were happily anxious to see which sibling was going to get busted for the crime.  They also suggested funny and highly preposterous schemes as to how it could've happened. One involved a dog sneaking into the house. If I find that literate and dexterous dog, I'll be a rich, jiggly woman. And I'd shove it into a big onesie and become one of those pet owners. (You know who you are.)

When Alex got home, I immediately questioned him. "Did you carve your name in the tv stand?" He looked genuinely surprised and said, "No," with a sort of  'why would I even do that'? sound to it. I could tell he had no idea what I was talking about, plus it really didn't fit his M.O. I officially eliminated him as a suspect.

So back to Maddie. I tried everything. 1. Guilt tripping her--I told her Alex was going to get in serious, serious trouble so if she had something to tell me she better do it soon. No confession. (Although not too surprising that she wouldn't feel bad if he went down for the crime.) 2. I tried playing nice cop. That I just needed to know to satisfy my curiosity and that everyone makes mistakes. No confession. I was using everything I learned watching my cop shows, but to no avail. 3. Threats. I told her to fess up and take her punishment like a big kid. I would go easier the sooner she folded. Nope. 4. Bluffing. Finally, I told her I knew she did it so she better just confess.  She said, "Tell me how you know...?" I refused and sent her to her room and told her I'd discuss it with her when she was ready and willing to come out and be honest.

Thirty minutes later (she's stubborn I tell you) Aidan came downstairs carrying a tiny folded up piece of paper. "It's from Maddie," he said. So I open it up and read:
Ok. I did do it. But I didn't want to tell you because I didn't want to get in trouble. But how about for my punishment I can't play with friends for two weeks. Tell me yes or no. MADDIE

Too easy. After a stern lecture about honesty and destruction of property, I tried to think of a punishment for her. Alex is easy--taking away his video game devices or friends works perfectly. But Maddie doesn't have anything like that she loves doing so much it would be a punishment if taken away.  I tried something else that works great on Alex--writing sentences. An old favorite from when we were growing up--just ask my brother Greg. I think his hand is still slightly deformed into a claw shape from the time he had to write some sentence about 1000 times. (What did you do to earn that one?)

She had to write "I will be honest and I will not destroy other people's things" fifty times. This is where my brilliant plan backfired. She ENJOYED it. It was one big "let's play pretend school"  session for her. She excitedly ran off and got her pencil, sharpened it, and picked the perfect paper. Numbered it all the way down and started writing. Half way through, she brought me her papers to admire and happily chirped, "I'm going to get it all done right now before bed!"

Grrr. Nothing worse than when you're trying to prove a point and you miss the mark completely. Maybe I should have made it 100.  Now I know for next time. But should she get any credit for being smart enough to carve someone else's name? Or was she just silly enough to think that would make her impossible to catch?

There better be no next time as far as carving into the furniture goes. We finally found a new media cabinet and coffee table and have threatened their lives if they willfully damage them. (It was an exceptionally painful process because we took the kids with us shopping. All of them. Although they didn't go into a few stores because I refused to be completely mortified by dragging them through quiet, peaceful places like Ethan Allen. That's when the DVD player in the car comes in handy. Jeremy wasn't too sad to sit out there with them either.) The countdown's on until the first big fat scratch is laid into one of new pieces and then we can relax and let them continue their five year lifespan.

Ramblings: UN-eventful backlog of junk

It snowed Sunday. Which meant we spent 45 minutes gathering up warm clothes, coats, hats, and gloves for all the kids to go play in it, only to have them peeled off and strewn across the kitchen about 35 minutes after that. Luckily I started the hot chocolate machine (yeah, that's right--a machine dedicated solely to the production of hot cocoa. If you don't have one, you definitely should) the minute they all got outside. Maddie was first back in followed by Aidan. Then Trace. (Only kidding. Calm down. He was snuggled warmly in his crib snoozing the day away.) Alex lasted the longest and has a snow fort to show for his endurance and frostbite.

It's been freezing here this week. I know, I know. You folks in areas where it snows all winter long have no sympathy. But us wienies down here in Texas like our winters at a manageable 50 degrees. Because of the windchill today, it's supposed to feel about 19* or something. Completely UNACCEPTABLE. How am I supposed to lock three wild boys (and half the neighborhood kids) in the backyard to burn off their energy when it's so dang cold? Instead I have them all running through the house like wild hooligans. Completely UNMANAGEABLE.

Jeremy flew to Minnesota yesterday. Right before he left his office for the airport he called and said, "Uh-oh. I forgot to bring my coat." There's a very good reason I packed for him for the first 10 years we were married. I wonder what he'll have to show for his frostbite. But don't feel too bad. He managed to send a courier to come pick it up from the house and chauffeur it to him before his flight left. The guy gave me the strangest look when I handed him a garment bag on a hanger. I think he expected important documents or a cooler marked "HUMAN HEART" or something. I'm going to have a business card printed up reading "Please excuse my husband's ADD." I could hand it out on many occasions. The kids are jealous Dad is somewhere where there is tons of snow in the winter. Alex has proclaimed that we need to go to Minnesota for vacation next Christmas for two WHOLE weeks (he was very emphatic. I talked him down from a month) so they can have adequate time to play in the snow. Hmm. Completely UNLIKELY.

So I've hit that part of post-pregnancy when my hair sheds. Does this happen to everyone else?? I practically have a handful if I run my hand through my hair. It's everywhere. Poor little Trace has it all over him. Maybe I could save it and weave a little toupee for him to wear. He's still bald and not very much fuzz has grown back. Except that saving hair in a ziploc sounds a little too much like something serial killers do. (Because otherwise weaving a wig for a three month old would be perfectly normal, right?) This picture is over a month old, but I couldn't help but point out his resemblance to megamind.  UNCANNY. He almost even got the mouth right.

The boys had preschool again today for the first time since before Christmas. It's been about a month. In kid terms that's practically an eternity. They were a little confused--at first they thought it was a new school year and they were all geared up for their first day of kindergarten. I'm relieved it wasn't since they have no interest in learning anything they need to know before kindergarten really does start next year. Needless to say the few quiet hours around here have been welcome. A quiet house--completely UNUSUAL.

I just realized that Jeremy adjusted the office chair while he was in here working this weekend. I didn't realize I was typing with the keyboard practically at eye level. Tough life for us vertically challenged. Much better now. Just in time to sign off. Must mentally prepare for the after-school rush of snacks, fights, homework, piano lessons, dinner, showers, and finally BEDTIME. UNQUESTIONABLY the best time of day. Although getting all five in bed (and staying there) seems to take all night. Especially when my backup is freezing his hiney off in Minnesota and when my patience is UNEXISTENT. (Stuck that in just to see if you were paying attention).

Kisses from me and T til next time. He refused to smooch his lips because he caught sight of the bright computer screen taking our picture. It's a good thing I raised up that chair or all you'd have gotten is the top of my head.

Next time...the tale of the new TV cabinet.

Ramblings: Top 10 ways you know it's been too long since you blogged...

10. Your kids' teeth have already grown in since the latest pictures on your blog where the teeth were missing.
9. Your ten year old lectures you about how you need to "write more stuff online" for him to read.
8. Your nine year old had a birthday and turned ten--and now he thinks he can lecture you. 
7. The newborn you were writing about last time often sleeps in 8 hour chunks at night now. WHOO-HOO!
6. It's been so long since you typed on a keyboard that you have to relearn the "home keys."
5. (Another) One of your kids has decided to pee in various rooms other than the bathroom and you haven't told the internet world about it yet.
4. The last post was before your Christmas decorations had been put up and now there's Valentines Day stuff for sale at Target and they're prepping for Easter.
3. The blogger log in page asks, "Really? I thought you were dead" when you sign in.
2. The kids have smashed 5 holes in our walls through the sheet rock and we've already gotten around to patching them. 
1. Blog? What blog?

I'll be better now. I promise. I've got new pictures and fun stories involving bodily functions and more home destruction. Just in time for the New Year.

Ramblings: His Royal Highness

In case you were wondering...

His Royal Highness requires 600 thread count sheets and a velvet pillow for naptime. It's only upon this throne that he can achieve total comfort in his "freeze dirtbag" body position, arms thrown skyhigh like he's being arrested by the SWAT team.

 

I prefer not to think that it's the comforting squishiness that reminds him of the squishiness of my midsection as I snuggle him.  But I'm pretty sure it is. Oh well. It'll be around for awhile.

Doesn't he look GIANT for a 6 week old? Yup. Today's the prince's 6 week birthday. And now he's requiring his supper.

Raves: Last year's Christmas faves

Every year about this time, I panic because I've got to think of things to get the kids for Christmas. Things that will actually get used--not just stuffed in some closet or abandoned in the garage.  So looking back to last year, I'll give you my faves and their faves in case you're stumped too.  But I will require some ideas in return! Help a sista out. Anything that can be purchased online instead of having to drag children into stores where they will beg and whine and throw tantrums gets brownie points.

1. For kids five and older (given to Alex--although coveted and occasionally stolen by Aidan):

 

The Razor Rip-Rider. Cheapest at amazon. The back wheels spin completely around so that you can go really fast and then turn and spin and do all sorts of cool and semi-dangerous tricks. Alex has almost completely worn the wheel down in a year's time becuase it's gotten so much use. Three reasons I love it: it's an outside toy, it's exercise, and it's not electronic. That last one is really difficult to fulfill because it seems all toys and gifts geared to a 10 year old are electronic games, gaming systems, gadgets for those games, etc.

2. The toys that the boys have played with the most: Fisher Price GeoTrax. We got both the railroad and the airplane tracks. They link together so you can be running the trains and the airplanes at the same time. Which in my house = less fighting over the remotes. Super fun, although they take up some significant floor space. We usually have them out and running for a couple of weeks at a time, then they get put away for a break. Fun part: you can buy all sorts of different tracks and trains to add to the set to change it up. So far it seems that ToysRus gets the biggest variety around Christmas, though you can find them on Amazon and at Target as well.

3. Fun for all: Arcade style basketball. We actually got this awhile after Christmas, but it would've made for a great Christmas morning gift. Avery has to tip toe to reach the ball return, but that doesn't slow him down. It took Jeremy about a year to assemble, but after all the effort, it was worth it. Even adults have thrown down some serious competitive shooting on this thing. It keeps score, will time you, and is great for indoor play.  We got ours on the Costco website but you can find it other places too. Minus: Serious area required for this bad boy. We had to rearrange our big playroom to fit this in the back corner. Fits fine, but plan on it being bigger than you thought. Also could be used in a garage if you don't live somewhere where the summer's are like being dropped into a pot of boiling lava. 

4. For ages 3 and up: Melissa and Doug Slice and Bake Cookie set. Given to Maddie but played with by the boys also. The different pieces velcro together so you can stick them to the pan and then change up the decorations on top. You can pretend to cut the dough that velcros together and slides in the tube. She also got an Easy Bake Oven which she loves, but this is something she can do that is great for creative play and there's no mess or parental involvement required.

That's all for now, but I'll add to this if I think of more later! Any good ideas for me? Let me know!

And just for fun: **Much too expensive and NOT available at stores near you**

Trace says hello.

Ramblings: Making Dad Proud and other random stuff

Overheard from the very back of the minivan where the twins have been relocated.

Aidan: Hey Avery, pretend I'm a transformer.
Avery: Your mom is a transformer.


In other news...the big kids came home with their school pictures. Not too bad as far as those uber-staged, "tilt your head at this exact angle" photo sessions go.  Maddie got her hair chopped the night before. She keeps trying to inch it shorter and shorter every haircut. Grandmas--your copies will be in the mail soon.

My birthday is next week and Jeremy's is the week after so we're sneaking away for a couple days this weekend. Once again we drugged the drinking water in these here parts and got Grandma to agree to pinch hit (or get pinched and hit) while we're gone. The bigs will get to go spend Friday night at their favorite getaway in the world--Uncle Greg and Aunt Brooke's--where the candy and cupcakes flow like a river and there are two bulldog bellies to scratch.

Trace will tag along with us and we'll reminisce about how easy it is (and was along time ago) to  travel with only one. Still trying to decide what spa items to choose while we're at the resort...I'm pretty sure no matter which one I choose, I'll fall asleep and miss the entire thing.

Oh, and your mom is a transformer.

Ramblings: Proof of Life

I've started about 20 posts and then by the time I get back to sit and try to finish them, they seem obsolete so I trash them. But I'm alive. I promise. No seriously. I am.  And here are some shots via iphone to prove it. They were taken in the spot I reside most of the day and night it seems. One of the chairs in my room where I sit to feed Trace--conveniently pointed directly at my DVR and tv for those 3 AM feedings. Because thankfully I only need to watch most infomercials once or twice before I'm amazed anyone would buy the bizarre products advertised in the wee hours of the morning. Although in my sleepy, half-awake stupor, I'm tempted to call and chat it up with whomever it is that actually takes those customer endorsement phone calls. I could spin them quite a tale...hey, a person's got to keep herself entertained, you know?

And how is it that I can inhale a pile of Halloween candy at one middle of the night feeding and not even realize it? First Halloween, then Thanksgiving, and then Christmas!? I picked a bad time of year to be attempting to shed ALOT of post-baby lbs. No, wait! Better idea! Does Santa own a liposuction needle?

So it's been a month...what have we been up to around here?
Lots of baby snuggling. Lots of baby feeding. Lots of me saying "DON'T TOUCH THE BABY! You are NOT clean!" (Mostly to the kids--only sometimes to Jeremy :)  Lots of me trying to figure out how to sit and feed the baby without the other hooligans getting away with murder. Lots of not finding a solution to that.
We also enjoyed spending an evening in downtown Dallas at the huge Diwali Mela festival that one of Jeremy's clients is in charge of every year. Jeremy pigged out on Indian food. The kids opted for Corn Dogs. The kids climbed a climbing wall all the way up but decided NOT to ride the elephants. Jeremy's got the pics on his phone--I'll have to add them later. Funniest quote of the day was by Maddie when we sat down to eat: "Mom. We are the whitest people here." And we were. And it was a fun time.

Then we enjoyed Halloween. (Trace wore this onesie from Auntie Brooke.)

 

Does it count as "carving" if you just stick in the parts? I got lazy and when the boys wanted to carve pumpkins, I decided a pirate Mr. Potato Head was the way to go. Plus, no stringy pumpkin guts to clean up, and our pumpkin will survive a little longer in the 80* weather .

 

We went to the firm Halloween party at Jeremy's office. It would've been way more fun if we wouldn't have gotten stuck in construction traffic--turning the 30 minute drive into an 1 1/2 long journey with the kids screaming every 15 seconds from the back "AUGGHH! How much longer? WHEN are we going to get there? Is there going to be any candy left?"  Aidan was a werewolf--but he was really annoyed that people kept thinking he was a bear. (MY fault--his costume was too big so it didn't fit quite right.)  He was really ticked that he lost his vampire teeth, because he said if he had sharp teeth then people would know he was a werewolf. Avery was a dragon "that shoots things from his claws." Whatever that means. Maddie was an Italian chef and Alex was Dr. Pepper. I don't think I ended up with any pictures of Maddie. (Mom of the year, I know.) Alex wore scrubs and a white coat with a nametag that said "Pepper M.D."  

Here we are in Jeremy's office. The boys raided the bowl that his nice assistant Natalie left for them in fear that all the candy would really be gone by the time we showed up.  I was marveling at how messy his office was--and now that it's bigger, the mess just gets more and more spread out. (Yup--that's his Ronald Reagan picture that's finally gotten a place on the wall after being stashed in his other office for five years. Right there above his 2, yeah TWO, computer monitors side by side that he feels are necessary for some reason.  Did anyone see The Office episode with Dwight's Mega-Desk?)

He looks so cute and peaceful, right? Little did we know that in five seconds after this was taken, Trace would perform his first poo-poo blow out. He saved it all up for dad's office.  And I, being Mom of the year, only had an extra onesie--no pants. So he got swaddled in that blue blanket and taken home without his "costume."

This past Sunday we blessed Trace at our church. I have to say I like the family picture better with an odd number. Six just looked off balance. Seven works much better. Until Trace is old enough to squirm and then picture-taking will get really interesting. We're all a little squinty in the morning sun. And I think the boys were being distracted by their cousin Sydney.

It's pretty unanimous among everyone he meets that Trace looks the most like Aidan. Especially now that his hair's falling out and his head is getting big and round and bald. Aidan loves it. I do too--because I was beginning to think Aidan may grow up with some sort of complex not looking like any of the other kids. Now he has a little buddy.

Off to pick up the boys from preschool. Trace has been good about being hauled to and fro in his carseat. His poor little bum better get used to it.